Hellooo

So in a wonderful display of procrastination from the many demands of postgrad, I have decided to start a blog about my trusty friend, eczema, and post about what I do to manage it/how I feel/how I cope. This will mostly be for me to track and understand what's going on for myself, but I also hope this might help others out there to feel less frustrated and alone. I'm always happy to have a chat about anything and everything (though I by no means have answers!)


Background:
Unlike many people, I was fortunate enough to not have been born with eczema. In fact, I had not one condition from the triad of hayfever, eczema and asthma (my parents and little sister, S, have hayfever, and S has had eczema since she was a baby). I did, however, have very dry skin, especially on my face.

12 y.o: I developed eczema on my right hand - it was gross, weeping, etc. It went away after using some steroid cream. After that, whenever it would pop up again - mostly just on my pinky - that was how I treated it. This didn't happen all that often so eczema really wasn't a big deal for a while in my life.

19 y.o.: Eczema decided to turn up on my nipples. Let me tell you, this is a horrible, horrible place to have eczema. Wearing bras is a pain because it hurts, rubs and weeps, and when you move to a colder place, it really hurts when nipples become erect. Unfortunately bras aren't exactly optional, so I found nipple eczema very hard to heal. My GP prescribed me steroid cream and antibiotics and it sort of went away after that, but would pop up now and again, just like my pinky eczema.

20 y.o.: So because I am an incredibly lazy person, I started using make-up/baby wipes to remove my make-up, on the rare occasion that I wore any. Unfortunately, I bought an apparently dodgy pack, because low and behold, I developed atopic dermatitis on my cheeks. Now, this was actually still manageable, it was just rough and red (and the redness wasn't all that bad because I just looked like I had some extra colour in my cheeks). Another GP prescribed me steroid cream (hydrocortisone) and told me to use it daily, twice a day, for a week. It wasn't working for me, so I stopped using it. Because the eczema wasn't bothering me that much, I just let it be.

Fast forward half a year later (into June 2014), I was incredibly stressed from my honours year. During my exam period, I realised that I had started to develop dry, red patches on my face and neck. I went to another, different GP who was apparently also a dermatologist and he told me to use steroid cream and moisturise all the time. So I did. My eczema still spread across my face like crazy and steroid cream eventually stopped helping, and moisturising didn't seem to help either. I can't say how regularly I used steroid cream, but I know it wasn't overly frequently as I wasn't too comfortable with putting skin-thinning, medicinal ointment on my face. 

My eczema was horribly red, rash and weepy. Then in August, I came across a blog that talked about topical steroid withdrawal (TSW), which led me to the TSW community. I couldn't say for certain whether my skin was addicted to steroids, considering I hadn't been a frequent user, but I knew I had to stop straight away (it wasn't doing anything anyway). While the eczema worsened (such a bad time in my life), it very very very slowly calmed down over the months. Of note, I had also stopped using moisturisers because I had heard about moisturiser withdrawal - I'm not sure if this had any impact at all though. Also, I attempted to stick to a healthy eczema diet (no gluten, no dairy, etc) but I was terrible at it and it made me feel even worse as I am a huge lover of food and it just felt like one more thing that eczema had taken away from me. Anyway, so by December, my skin was indeed a lot better. While it wasn't 'normal', the redness had decreased, even if the dry skin persisted in some patches. 

And onto January. The most glorious month. I went to Japan and I kid you not, my eczema cleared up in a day. It was honestly the most baffling thing ever. The skin on my face was smooth and a normal, human shade again, and my fingers were normal (my nipple eczema did not clear up though but that was probably because bras rub and irritate them like crazy). 

Alas I could not stay in Japan forever. I came back to Australia in February and very slowly, my skin become drier. But that was still manageable. Until I got food poisoning and had to go on two sets of antibiotics (unrelated to the food poisoning). Now I've heard A LOT about gut health and how it is linked to eczema, so I really think these unfortunate events were the reason why my eczema came back in full force.

Let me tell you, I was absolutely devastated. I thought I was going to be 'normal' again. As my skin got redder, rashier, and weepier, I spiralled down into a pit of intense anxiety, helplessness and hopelessness. Oh and this was just in time for the commencement of my doctorate at a new university where I knew no one. And did I mention I'm a shy introvert with moderate levels of social anxiety? Yeah, the first few months were difficult to get through. Not only did I feel anxious about my abilities to actually do postgrad and make friends, I was trying to cope with my eczema and how incredibly self-conscious I felt every day I had to leave the house. I wasn't sleeping well (waking up during the night to scratch my weeping eczema), I was profoundly anxious a lot of the time, I was having a few crying meltdowns here and there, etc. My self-esteem and confidence were at a new low, and really, it wasn't like I had alot to begin with.

But somehow, I got through it. Eventually, my eczema stopped weeping (only after 2 or so months though. It still weeps a little at night). It flared every week or every two weeks, but by then, I had almost adjusted to it. I would have brief periods where I was bordering human-looking (so, so grateful that my graduation day was one of those days). The most frustrating thing was that it was still here, when my last bout of eczema calmed down heaps within 5 months. And unfortunately for me, alcohol was much more aggravating this time round.

So here I am in August 2015, still dealing with it. I've luckily found a few things to help me along the way (will post about these very soon), which have helped me feel less like a blotchy swamp monster. I'm still trying to eat healthy by minimising gluten and dairy but my adherence wavers, especially considering I was eating and drinking whatever the hell I wanted in Japan (virtually no veggies and fruits, barely drinking water) and my skin was bloody amazing. Studying psychology also helps, and I try and practice mindfulness and meditation as much as I can, as a way of dealing with my anxiety. When my eczema flares, my mood takes a predictable dip and my anxiety goes through the roof. But again, it's not as bad as it used to be so now I'm just trying to learn to live with it, and not fight it. It's too exhausting otherwise, and I really don't want to look back and realise that I let eczema and anxiety rule my life.