Hi there, so so far, I've been trying to keep things positive on this blog but I guess that's not at all realistic of how I cope with eczema during my day to day life. So as I've said in a previous post, I've been feeling very stressed from uni and as a result, my eczema has flared up (there may be other triggers, but I believe that that is one of the main ones). I believe this has been the longest flare I've experienced since I've started using Lush's Dream Cream. And it's just been really frustrating for me, because I feel like I'm taking about three steps back, with my face being rashy and red again. Also, the eczema's definitely spreading and no matter how much I moisturise, it doesn't seem to prevent it. It's just so frustrating because I don't know what to do. I mean I'm sure stress makes it worse, but the fact that it's worse further fuels my stress - it's this horrible cycle. So this makes me stress about how far it's going to spread (down my neck? All the way behind my ears?). And it also makes me stress about how I'm going to cope in November, when I'm in Europe - is my eczema going to be ridiculously horrible there? Is it going to flare up in response to food and alcohol? How is it even going to survive the 20+ hour plane ride? And then I start thinking about the ramifications for future parts of my life. How's it going to cope when I travel to other places? What's going to happen when my hormones go out of whack if I'm pregnant in the future? Are my poor children going to be plagued by this too?
I'm also frustrated at the fact that I am frustrated, because I thought I'd learnt to cope better with having eczema (see mindfulness post). But I guess it's easy to feel good about how I manage my emotions in relation to eczema when it's not flaring up. There's also an angry part of me that doesn't want to learn to manage better, I just want so very desperately to be "normal". It's so infuriating that the eczema on my neck, hands and behind my ears have healed fine (neck and ears without any particular cream), but not the freaking eczema on my face?? Are you kidding me?? It's as if I feel that I could cope with ANYTHING in my life, as long as my skin was back to normal. That's ALL I want. And then that sees me playing would-you-rather games in my mind (e.g. would you rather eczema or asthma/hayfever/acne) and that just drives me crazy. I'm actually driving myself crazy. Because I know that even if my skin returned to normal, I would just find something else to be anxious about, because it's human nature to take things for granted.
I guess it's difficult, because on one hand, I'm hopeful and focussed on eradicating my eczema, and am trying to be positive about it. On the other hand, this may well be a chronic disease that's going to persevere through my life. And what am I meant to do, spiral into an anxious depressed state every time it flares? It's like how mindfulness can help people with chronic depression or anxiety, or any kind of chronic mental/physical illness - you can't necessarily control how the disorder fluctuates, but you can control how you respond to it. I'm just struggling alot with it at the moment, and am also struggling feeling like I have no one to talk to about it sometimes, because I already talk about my eczema so much. It's just repetitive and boring for people who don't have eczema, like they don't know what to say or do to make me feel better, because truthfully whatever they say, I probably won't listen. Which also brings me to another point - that I've had people say to me that they don't notice it at all (people other than my boyfriend whose words I would doubt because well, you can't agree with your girlfriend that her skin is shit, can you?). And this honestly surprises me, particularly when they say it on what I perceive to be a very bad skin day. I mean, I know we all obsess about our own skin and our own perceived blemishes, but I guess I have always felt that my eczema is so blatantly obvious, everyone is probably thinking about how shockingly horrible I look and how they can't stand to look at me. Plus, I myself notice when other people have eczema, but I guess that's because I'm so obsessed with skin, that I'm more attune to it and people who aren't eczema-obsessed don't notice it as much/at all? I guess I can find some solace in the fact that I can overexaggerate how horrible I look on a particular day, thereby fuelling my anxiety for no reason at all. Though even if I am having an objectively very rashy, very pus-y day, what even is the point in making myself feel so bad about my appearance? It's an easy answer to that, I just wish it was as easy to enact in real life.
